Who Am I Without Work?

The question goes directly to my heart. It lingers there, creating a pressure that makes me want to cry...

Empty. Lost. Reality sinks in and I realize I’ve been hiding here, buried in tasks, pretending I’m okay when I’m not. Who’s this person, I wonder? Looking straight in the mirror. When did my eyes lids slowly start to melt a little bit down? When did those white hair strands show up there?

When did I stop asking myself “what kind of life do I want to live…”

Tears coming down uncontrollably, I don’t know why I am crying my heart out, wait, I do know why. Feelings that were on “pause” suddenly burst open. Feelings of grief, of what could have been, of letting go, of accepting reality is something you didn’t expect to be this way. Is it too late now? Am I running out of time? Time is slipping away without waiting for me to catch up.

I don’t believe in “what if’s”, I remind myself. Then I look Trauma directly in the eyes, “it’s your fault” I silently said in the hopes that will make it better, but it doesn’t. 

Oh, my old unwanted friend, the one that’s always been there, creeps in so many unexpected ways… powerlessness. Is nobody’s fault, the world we live in is undeniably broken, and I can’t do anything about that. Not really. It’s His job, not mine.

The faintest sound of a melody lingering in the air starts to pull me back… “You’ll never stop fighting for me, when I can’t fight for myself, every word is a promise You keep, because You love me like nobody else… ”, and then I remember—none of this matters. It doesn’t really matter. I remember I need to look up to the sky, keep my eyes on that big prize, and gently remind myself that as long as I live for Him everything will be okay. No matter what shape my life takes.

Our existence has a bigger purpose you know? let’s never forget that. 

Happy holidays, dearest Kindred Spirit.

May the new year brings you love, peace, and the ‘washing away of things’ that we shouldn’t be holding in. 

In it with you,
Susan